Roasts and Beefs

Greetings Listeners

There’s a lot of news about Roasts and Beefs this last week. I cannot help but think what a lost opportunity this has been for Arby’s.

Arby’s was one of those fast-food places that we didn’t have in our town and on trips out of town we never stopped there. It was a late teen experience when my friends and I had our own vehicle. I remember the squeeze bottles and being able to pour so much on a sandwich that the beef would squeeze out between the buns. One of the discoveries of secret menu (at the time) options was the ‘Big Montana’, a half-pound of roast beef on a bun that came in a clamshell container to keep it all together. It was so big and so loose that it had to be held with two hands or it would fall completely apart. Once you began, you could not let go until you had finished the gluttonous pile of mediocre meat. It was the type of meal that would ‘fill’ you for today but you would really ‘feel’ it the next. That Arby’s sauce though… so good.

Carrot Top - The Game

One of my favorite games is to imagine a favorite movie and imagine Carrot Top in the lead role.

Carrot Top are two funny words to put together and likely why he has been the punchline of many jokes over the years but give it up for the legend. He’s put in decades in a Vegas residency alone. How many can boast that? Wayne Newton and that’s about it. What greater accomplishment for an entertainer than to just play in your backyard to a sold out show every night for decades? AND he’s funny.

But it’s also fun to imagine him in the lead role of serious movies. I think he should be in more.

The Matrix comes to mind. Carrot Top dodging bullets in slow time. I’d like to see him play Jaws. Both the shark and the Bond villain. “We’re gonna need a bigger prop.”

I asked Bing ai what it thought about this game and it began pitching screenplays to me. Here’s one if Carrot Top McClane in Die Hard:

When I asked about Sophie’s Choice, Bing ai would not comply with my prompt telling me it was best left to my own imagining of Carrot Top taking on the lead role. I think that’s rather unfair. I’ve seen him be very serious in tone.

Trivia Time!

Which famous guitarist did Poison choose C.C. Deville over because they wanted an East Coast guy?
(See below for answer) 

Big Weather

The Aurora Borealis is visiting this week. Don't let big weather distract you from the real problem. Clouds! What's the deal with them? Do they want to block the sun or rain on our parades? Pick a lane, clouds! It is time for us to take our stand. Have you been bullied by clouds? You may be eligible for condensation on your windows.

Playing with Time

If a time machine existed, there would be a time machine bus tour where groups could travel to different years to compare the taste of Pizza Hut on various days.

“The best flavor was August 3rd, 1985!”, Carl exclaimed. Robert disagreed, “No way, it was April 15th, 1973, in Wichita, Kansas, 8:03pm!”.

Time machines would be used for the most trivial things. It would be abused. The Butterfly Effects would have us constantly glitching inside the matrix. Maybe that is what happened. Humans are not ready for that technology and we never will be otherwise someone would have arrived to help prepare us and get us ready for time travel.

Time is a loop we are all living, from the beginning of the universe until the end, then it restarts. This means you’ve already read this 8 billion years ago.

There’s a book called ‘Einstein’s Dreams’ by Alan Lightman. It is filled with short stories with different variations of how our world would be different if time worked in other ways. Each story is a few hundred words and the book has stuck with me over many years.

Hits of the Last Century

1984 was an important year in my personal rock development at 8. It was the year I bought my first records with my own money; I moved up to cassette tape technology. Prior to that I had listened to the ones available around the house, which were anything from Frank Zappa, CCR, Prince, ZZ Top, Duran Duran, and Pablo Cruise.

All the ‘4’s’ seem to play a large role in Rock Music. 64, 74, 84, 94.
The radio played a vital time for most music fans at some point in our lives before we find the underground or our desired tones. I thought it would be fun to highlight some #1 hits from the last century. For consistency purposes, I’ll highlight the next chart date and for fun purposes, I’ll use the Modern Rock Chart for the 1990’s.

1964 - My Guy, Mary Wells
1974- The Loco-motion, Grand Funk Railroad
1984 - Hello. Lionel Richie
1994 - The More You Ignore Me, The Closer I Get, Morrissey (Modern Rock Chart)

1964 up until May had Bobby Vinton with ‘There! I’ve Said It Again’. The generations version of ‘Oops I Did It Again. The song would hold strong for 4 weeks and mark the end of an era in US radio as the last hit song before The Beatles arrived in the US and took over with their anthem about holding hands, ‘She Loves You’, and their theory that money cannot buy love. There’s a noticeable shift of energy if you listen to Vinton’s song and I Want to Hold Your Hand. I can see how the ‘frenetic’ intro of ‘She Loves You’ had parents worried for the future of the youth as they mindlessly swing their heads side to side. Singin’ songs about being happy to be loved, how dare they bring that filth upon our culture! Paul McCartney would later say that he should have called the song ‘Money CAN Buy Me Love, considering all fame and riches afforded him in his life.

Hello Dolly! by Louis Armstrong spent a week at number one before My Guy by Mary Wells. Louis would win the Grammy for Song of the Year for the title song of the musical in 1965. My Guy’s intro was a combination of two works written in a rush to get out of the studio and Mary’s repeating of the chorus at the end had been sung as a sultry Mae West style joke, but the producers loved it. Smokey Robinson was the producer and writer of My Guy.

1974 The Loco-motion was written by Gerry Goffin and Carole King. It was the first song to hit number 1 on the charts by two different artists. The first song, Go Away Little Girl, was also written by Goffin/King. Kylie Minogue would take it to number 3 in 1988. Grand Funk’s version held the spot for two weeks.

1984 Hello?! McFly! Who doesn’t remember Hello by Lionel Ritchie? Many phone calls have been had singing the chorus to this song.

1994 Morrissey spent 7 weeks on the top of the charts with this hit.

I’ll do some catching up on the other decades in the coming newsletters.

Roasted and Deflated

"I'm unroastable!" - Tom Brady before being roasted.
"Oh my God..." - Tom Brady after the second joke of a 3-hour roast.
"Don't say that shit again..." - Tom Brady after the fourth joke of a 3-hour roast.

Nikki Glazer performed an all-time great set on the Netflix Tom Brady Roast. The entire thing was three hours and there were some cool moments aside from Nikki. Jeff Ross started it off strong. It was clear they were not going to take it easy on Tom. Kevin Hart did great work hosting it, firing back at many all night and keeping the show moving. There was an entire patch towards the middle that really dragged on that could be used as a counter point for why some comedy should be left back in time or at least in the locker room. Different Strokes. It just seemed forgettable which ultimately is not what you want comedy to be. Nikki’s set was not forgettable.

Kiffie - Musician Spotlight

This week I began to think about the protests at the colleges and if we are seeing the cycle of the late 1960’s and early 1970’s cycle and ‘repeating history’. I wondered where our great protest songs of this era are. The Bob Dylans, Neil Youngs, the Crosbys, Woody Guthries of the world.

I know David Crosby got a lot of heat for being an old crank, his idealism likely broken over time into the realm of cynicism. We see this cycle in many creative people over their lives. It was he who spoke on ‘Ohio’ “How many more?”. Over 50 years and we still don’t know how many more will suffer at the hands of the worst humanity has to offer.

Independent musician Daniel Kiffie is one such artist that is asking the same questions because they still need to be asked. “How Many More?” is the latest single release from Kiffie, based in Norwich, UK. Eerie electronica creates a haunting mood and tone off the track, the first from the upcoming album Living Past Midnight. Electropop, Cyber-punk and other dark industrial atmospheric music.

Daniel is a prolific artist not afraid to experiment with releases and concepts such as creating an EP from scratch to finish in 12 hours. With dozens of releases on bandcamp, there is plenty to explore for the initiated.

Kiffie is extremely supportive of other independent musicians always looking to foster a community that lifts up all artists. Give it a listen.

How Many More? | Kiffie (bandcamp.com)

Short Bits

• I was watching the Mets Gala from 1986 when the red carpet rolled between Bill Buckner’s legs. 

• When I was a tiny shrimp, I thought Corey Hart wore his sundresses at night. 

• The ‘bow bump is superior to the handshake. Bump those elbows.

• One of my favorite Ozzy Osbourne quotes is “nuhbuddywuntsuhburrituh”. He said it all in one syllable but I believe he was flabbergasted that no one else in the house wanted a burrito from the food truck he was going to. He was going to have to go ‘Burrito Solo’. Ozzy recently listened and commented to his voice being used by ai on a Shania Twain song. Link Here

• I tried the recent Creamy Coconut Dr. Pepper. As a lifelong Dr. Pepper fan, I did not find it pleasing. Extreme on the coconut, like the liquified insides of a mounds candy bar. I like coconut but this drink does not go well with food. It isn’t ‘light’ enough to be some sort of summer beverage either. Maybe as an ice cream float. With Neapolitan it might be reminiscent of the old Brach Neapolitan Coconut candies.

Creative Opportunities

Book of Essays:

The Sorta-annual Book of Essays project is seeing submissions for the December 2024 publication. It will be a fun collection of humor, wit, rants and musings. If you would like to participate by writing an essay or short form fiction, check out the project page.
Sorta-Annual Book of Essays | Canvas, Chords, Comedy

Music Compilation:

Winstrumental
I would like to work on a compilation album of Winter Instrumentals of various artists to distribute and spread awareness of great instrumental music. I have published physical CDs in the past and would like to do so again. If you are interested in this project, visit the project page. Note, this does require purchase of some CDs to help the project.
Quarterly Music Compilation | Canvas, Chords, Comedy

Limited Edition Art Cards by DB Gatchell

A new Gatch Pack of Art Cards were released this past week. This one focusing on mountains in digital art.

Each pack will contain 3 prints of limited original artwork featuring Winter, Spring and Summer.

Each card: 
- Original Art Print on front gloss side 
- Information and fun on back side 
- 4x6” and printed on 14pt card stock. 
- Only 250 of each will be printed.  

$15 – pack containing all three card prints. 
$30 – all three card prints + an original 4x6” artwork 
(shipping $3 US / $5 World) 
 
You can find more information at:
Art Cards - Gatch Pack - Mountains – Gatchman's Gallery

Trivia Answer: 

Saul Hudson, aka Slash, tried out for Poison before C.C. Deville joined the band. Bret and company wanted an East Coast guitarist since they were from the East Coast. It wasn’t easy as C.C. had chosen to play his own song at the audition instead of the songs the band had asked him to play. That song became Talk Dirty to Me and would launch their path to the stars. Slash himself says he wasn’t into the dress code when it came down to it. It would have been a drastically different music history of rock and roll had it played out that way. Slash and C.C. would later appear in the video for Sam Kinison’s version of Wild Thing.

Corn Dog!

Thanks for listening. I appreciate you all and have a great week.

Rock on!

DB ‘Gatch’ Gatchell

contact at canvaschordscomedy dot com